Dear Diary

Wait… what?  This is not my diary?  It feels like it some days, what with all the confessing I seem to be doing lately.  Today will be no exception.  Today, you get a two-for-one!

My first is a confession that may come as a surprise to those interact with me on a daily basis.  Hmm, or maybe not.  Who knows?

People tend to see me as cheery and friendly and optimistic – despite the effing Effy tirades I can sometimes unleash due to my red hair.  (Yes, my hair is the reason!  Don’t argue!)  But cheery is where I usually am.  I like to joke and engage people and promote a positive environment, partly because a positive environment in turn inspires me to keep positive.

I have mentioned before how easily my empathy can work against me, causing negativity in others to rub off and in turn bring me down.

So it is important to maintain the postive environment around me that further inspires me.

IRL I am an Administrative Assistant, wearing many hats at any given time.  For several years I was a Receptionist in a Data Center, and it always made me happy to strike up conversations and invoke a return smile from some less extroverted techies.  When I first started, some did not even look up as they walked in the door, but by the time I left, everyone was free with a smile and a “Good morning.”

It makes me feel good, to inspire that.

The confession part comes with the fact that though I exude a positive exterior, and though I pride myself on my honesty, which at times can be to the point of brutal, my happiness is one thing I am not always honest about, even with myself.  Even though I am usually cheery, sometimes it is a sham.  Sometimes I smile through anger and sadness and distress.  Sometimes I do it because I know the negative is temporary.  Sometimes I do it because I just do not want to bring others down.  Sometimes I do it to maintain that happy environment I need.

People tend to see me as an open book, and usually I am, especially with my emotions on my face and in my voice.  But I can usually wear a cheery facade when I feel the need – as long as I can keep up that positive environment I build up around me.  Once my world becomes negative, that is when I am really in trouble.

Wellness is very much about attitude.  We can think ourselves sad and even sick.  So there are multiple reasons for me to want a positive environment and a positive attitude.

But lately, I have realized I have been feeling pretty blah.  The worst part is, I cannot pinpoint how long this has been going on.

I am not sure if it is the season or the coming holidays or the up and down that has been going on with me IRL (ie. being single – AGAIN).  All I know is I have been noticing a pattern of not feeling well and not wanting to go to sleep and, alternately, not wanting to get up.  Add to that this annoying melancholy I cannot seem to shake.

This unrest has left me in a very sappy and impressionable mood.

So it is the above I will firmly cling to and blame for my second confession: I actually finally watched the first Twilight movie Friday night, and I apparently liked it enough that I watched the second one.  I would have watched the others, but my laptop’s external DVD player has been unwilling to cooperate.

I also blame my mom.  She was watching it on TV while we were making dinner.

I have been avoiding both the books and movies, though she has been raving about them…  Oh geez, I do not even know how long I have been dodging them.  <Google searches>  Since 2005??  Really??

But c’mon now…  All I should really have to say is “sparkling vampires” and this whole ordeal should be over.  You would think that alone would burst this bubble and bring me back to reality.  In fact, I did not even understand the whole “sparkling vampires” thing until Friday night when I watched the movies, because I have been avoiding this entire series like the plague.

For seven years apparently!

Add to that the fact I feel Bella is the most emo heroine ever.  I cannot get over the fact that she is always whining and moody and every time she appears onscreen, I swear she looks stoned.

So what is my issue?

Romance = done

Yah, I suppose with my mood lately, that is all it takes.

And I suppose I have always had some weird obsession with vampire/werewolf romances.

I am such a sap.  And a nerd.  A nerdy sap.

But yah, I guess I am going to see the new one with my mom now.

And now I am going to post this, bury it in other posts and we will all forget this ever happened, right?  :P

~ Effy

9 thoughts on “Dear Diary

  1. I know EXACTLY what you mean. My cheeriness is to keep negativity at bay … from me, or really bad things can happen.

    And I read the books but after the first movie I couldn’t take another dose of Kristen Stewart. I kept wanting to smack her.

  2. Sorry my Piscine pal – you may say these words now, but I know romance will reign again- I have faith, and belief. In the meantime, also see no issue imagining lupine studs wanting to kiss me, or flying around trees – not one damn thing!

    • Thank you so much, Matty! :) I know things will perk up, I just need to get out of my funk.

      In the meantime, I have plenty of story ideas to keep me company. lol So much so that I was getting a bit anxious, because they were not being very organized and were playing up. Navi got me back on track, though. She told me what I needed to hear – basically, write it all down. You should have seen me yesterday – I had four story windows open (<3 Google Drive) and a blog post or two at any given time. And I was working on all of them too! I did not get the pictures into the post last night, though. Our raid got cancelled and I actually went out on a date.

      So tonight, there are some things I have to do when I get home. (Stealing time with my laptop and some borrowed network between coloring with my cousin!)

      ~ Effy

  3. Oh fine, I’m the misfit. I watch it, I like it, she’s a typical teenager in a romance and though that kind of romance does not typify the romance I would like, it’s still romance of which I am a huge fan. LOL I like a totem of happiness idea!

  4. Pingback: Another Kind of Twilight « Awaiting the Muse

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