Solo Mode

Someone told me that no one can make you feel a certain way and therefore no one can break your heart.

Although this may be true in its most literal sense, there are people to whom we entrust a large portion of ourselves – our time, our emotions, our trust, our secrets, our hopes and fears.  This entwining of two people tends to leave an emotional hole when that closeness is removed.  For suddenly, there is a stark lack of “something” – that shoulder, that confidante, that joking around, that person.  Suddenly, the person who shared moments serious, tender, light, and even sarcastic is no longer there.

Hence the hole.  Hence the feeling of heart break.

To whom do I now ask my silly, often times self-answered once they are out of my mouth questions?  To whom do I share my crazy observations?  To whom do I share my successes and failures?

I think the heart-breaking part is both that loss of familiarity and an unshakeable sense of failure.

Heart break is one of those weird, truly human emotions.  No, I realize it is not your literal heart breaking (or ripping, I suppose would be more appropriate), it is more of an emotion turned physical.  Kinda of like an anxiety attack.  The feeling I associate with heart break is very similar to the feeling of overwhelming positive emotion, where you are just so full of happiness it hurts.  An ache, brought on by strong emotions, either good or bad.

Or is that just me?

Love is like an anxiety attack?  Hmm…  An interesting train of thought.

But seriously, love is not about someone you cannot live without – that is called dependency.  Love is about someone you just prefer to live with.  Someone you choose to spend your time with above others.  Someone you think about even when they are not around.  And most importantly, I think, is the true test – when you love someone enough to let them go.

Because sometimes, really wanting something is not enough.  Sometimes, life gets in the way.  Sometimes, shit happens.  Sometimes there is a wrong time and a wrong place.

And when that happens, you have to be an effing adult and do what is best for both of you.  Not that that line of logic is helping me out right now, either.

For the first time in my life in committed, adult relationships, I feel I did all I could.  Sure, I can be a righteous pain in the azz.  Sure, sometimes my honesty is poorly timed, or poorly expressed (or both).  Sure, sometimes my patience is far more fragile than I would like.  BUT for all my many failures – of which I am comfortable with but still working on in an unending process of self-improvement – I feel I was supportive and available and did everything I personally was capable of.

Logic.  I have learned cold, hard logic is one of the easiest ways to completely deny emotion.

Was that convincing?

Too bad logic does not rule over my emotion, or I would probably be fine and dandy right now.

I really wonder if it is just more satisfying to be a complete emotional wreck sometimes?  It has its own sense of release.  Maybe that would get me this over quicker?

Hmm, okie, so maybe that has not worked in the past, but why not this time, eh? eh?

I realize I am being purposefully vague, and that is due to the fact that I am trying very hard to hold myself together while writing this.  Hence why I have waited until now.

So far, I am doing fairly well at holding myself together.  Occupying my mind is working best.  Therefore, driving and the mindless data updating part of work are both unhelpful.  Which is a bummer, because I love driving.  It is just too bad there is all that time to think.  Just crank the radio up louder, right??

Gaming is helping, though, as the title of this post states, I am doing so in solo mode, which in and among itself is a vivid reminder.

I had to restart solo-specific characters to help myself along.  I created a human Guardian in GW2 and a brand new Siren in Borderlands 2.  Somehow, in some screwed up sense, playing a different character holds a slightly different attachment.  It kind of relates back to tucking Shaman-Effy away in a corner while I created DK-Effy about a year ago.

I am sure there are all kinds of psychological assumptions that can be made with the whole Shaman-Effy/DK-Effy thing.  Feel free to pick apart my brain.  Though, I warn you – it is messy in there.  I seem to function best in its natural, all-over state.  Which is ironic, considering clutter tends to make me a bit crazy.

Reading is also helping.

Well, I think all of my wise words are dwindling.  Even without the crying part, all these emotions are exhausting.  Whew.

Screw logic.  My coping mechanism is sarcasm.  🙂

~ Effy effraeti@gmail.com