I think I mentioned before that is one of my favorite words. It looks cool, it sounds cool, and it has a cool definition:
Epiphany /ih-PIF-uh-nee/ noun
A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
It has other definitions as well, but that is my common usage of the word, and my purpose for using it now.
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I have come to the most disturbing revelation, which is sort of related to the writing of my last post. It is difficult to put into words, even for me, both because this subject is still a touchy one to me and because I have no amount of malice behind it but I am not sure how to ensure it comes out that way.
There are two things in my life that take up a majority of my waking hours – work and WoW. This has been the case for almost three years now, minus a brief “break” between the latter half of Dragon Soul and the first few weeks of MoP. Even without considering WoW specifically – other than significant others (most of whom have also been gamers) – work and gaming in general have been a big part of the better chunk of my adult life.
I am a gamer, and I am okie with this. 🙂
Work may be a necessary evil for important stuff like food and a roof, but it is also necessary for the second chunk – my gaming.
Gaming is not necessary, but it is helpful to my sanity in any regard.
I tend to be happiest when I have familiarity and a schedule.
I can handle minor annoyances in work and elsewhere, as long as I am generally happy. I have come to accept that no job will be the happiest place on earth – at least all the time. But as long as I am making headway with bills, taking care of my needs and that of my mom and my dog, and I can sleep at night – I am good. (I mention sleeping because this became nearly impossible toward the end of my last job. I could not sleep and my health was deteriorating due to extreme stress and the symptoms of it.)
Doing something I enjoy and am good at is a plus too.
I am the same with with gaming. I like familiarity and schedule. I also like having my friends close at hand, as I like gaming both solo and with others. WoW is good at bringing me both of these.
Have you ever looked back on yourself at a certain period in your life and thought, “What the heck was I doing? What was I thinking?”
I am fairly tolerant and positive most of the time. Sure I have my redhead moments, but it takes a lot to upset me. So why did I become so angry with WoW? And why was I days away from quitting my job without so much as a glance backward?
Among the other traits that make up complicated lil ol’ me, is empathy. I truly think it is part of what makes me a good healer. I care about others, and I care about their well-being. When a friend is upset or sad, it tends to make me upset or sad.
But empathy has its negative side too.
My epiphany was my realization that it was not me who was angry at WoW or my job.
It was not me who grew angry at WoW or disillusioned with TERA or annoyed with D3 or frustrated with Guild Wars 2. Sure, months and months of Dragon Soul was annoying. Sure, I was not at all happy with my Mystic in TERA. Sure, Inferno in D3 was frustrating as all heck. Sure, dungeons in Guild Wars 2 were pretty stupidly chaotic.
But I was happy playing with friends through it – and my closest friend and companion in particular.
I do not consider him a bad person. Let me adamantly state that. Like I mentioned above, I have no anger in writing this – only resignation. Any decisions I make (or made) are my own to take responsibility for. I was discussing that with Amowrath just this week.
When I care about someone, they have a profound effect on me, and my own nonchalance about how best to spend time (as long as we are enjoying that time) is second when the needs of someone I care about are more fervent and particular.
I mean, seriously, if I feel I would be okie either way, why not compromise over something that is less grey to my other half? If I were unwaveringly for or against doing something, I would hope they would at least acknowledge that in return.
As time went on, I realized leaving WoW was not the best decision I have made. At least, not for me, and I started to realize it before the split. I had friends there, both in game and blogging, who I felt I disappointed. I had a guild and raiding team, whom I definitely felt I let down. I had a comfortable place of stories and characters where I was writing and inspired and happy, that I shut out.
It was all a little more important to me than I realized at the time.
What really made me start thinking on all of this now, though, was my job. I have my moments of happiness and certainly my moments of annoyance. Some days are much longer than others. Despite that, I am doing things I enjoy (mostly), I am doing things I am good at (and learning new skills), and I am working with people I like (unless they start talking politics).
It was one particular aspect of my job that I almost left over, and the more I think about it, the more I realize the negativity of that aspect was pressed on me as unfair and not in my sphere of knowledge and not in my job description. But wait, I LIKE expanding my knowledge and my skill set. Okie, so this particular task was frustrating in its lack of organized presentation, and still is in some respects, but I have conquered it as I knew I eventually would.
It is with that and one other revelation that I realize I am not sad about the end of things as I thought.
The second one is even harder for me to admit, because it was a harder item to come to terms with. So much so, I am finding myself staring blankly at the screen instead of typing it out. But this is what my blog is for – expressing myself.
It is one of those things that, in hindsight, seem so stupidly obvious…
I am happy with the same house, the same job, the same state, the same city, and the same game. It has taken me four years to realize and come to terms with the fact that someone else was not. He was happiest moving around. He was happiest contracting. And he never wanted to settle down on a game.
Even though he always talking about “settling down” being what he wanted – I think he was far more happy with constant change.
I think it was because of his childhood, he moved around a lot, and lived in several different countries. Becoming sedentary and static where he is now makes him nuts, and I recognize this.
However, it is not really the best way to build a lasting relationship. And in some regard, I always knew, because I would joke with him about how fickle he is – both with games and even with me.
Like I said in another post, sometimes we just have to suck it up and be an adult, and do what is best even if it is not what we want. So hopefully this will be my last post on this subject.
BTW, being an adult sucks sometimes. 🙂
Because I am feeling somewhat maudlin and self-pitying after writing this, I leave you with some songs that sort of fit.
Nelly – Just a Dream
Maroon 5 – Payphone
If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairytales are full of sh*t
One more f’ing love song I’ll be sick