I find myself very full at the moment, and yet still feeling empty.
I have been in a strange place mentally for a while now – trying to juggle work and school and WoW and blog/writing and… personal stuff. I do a fair job of juggling, I have been keeping all the balls in the air, but it makes me feel like I am not giving the due attention to certain things – especially now with some of the new duties I am taking on at work.
On top of all of these balls, I once more feel like a failure at relationships. <sigh> I am half-convinced to never discuss who I am dating – or even the FACT I am dating – with any person or on any social media forum, as this seems to jinx it. I think more than heartbreak, I am tired of having to explain, “No, we broke up. Yup, single again.”
Add to this a lecture in Sociology last week that hit way to close to home – a conversation about Erikson’s Stages of Development. Particularly the fact that I am in the Intimacy vs. Isolation phase of my life (and my birthday was last week, ugh).
I lean towards writing romance, whatever genre I am writing. I know what I consider romantic and what I want (or what I think I want). In fact, my counselor was always saying be careful not to get too wrapped up in the romance part, and too affected by the media’s portrayal of romance. But I know I perpetuate the illusion myself. I really believe that romance and passion has to be there at the start. Friendship, yes, that is what ultimately makes a relationship last in the long run, but it needs romance/chemistry/passion too.
It makes me think of one of my absolute favorite quotes, from Meet Joe Black and said by Anthony Hopkin’s character, William Parrish:
Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven’t lived a life at all. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.
On a related note, I found it strange to hear similar lines come from both the mouth of Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle and John Cusack in High Fidelity (you have no idea the number of romance comedies I have been punishing myself with). Lines about the “right one” and how being with her feels like “coming home.” I realized I do not really know what that means. And it makes me sad. I may have to ponder this more.
But the truth of the matter is I spend my life thinking that what I want is romance and a life partner, and in reality it seems I cannot seem to stand anyone in close proximity for any extended period of time.
One of the areas I feel I am not giving enough attention is WoW. Except for raiding, I do not even have the ability to log on most days. And when I DO have a free moment, I am so mentally and/or physically exhausted I spend that free time either vegging in front of the TV or my laptop or sleeping. For a while now, I have only been logging on for raids. And logging on to raid has been a source of frustration, because usually there is some form of homework sitting undone while I try and focus on raiding.
And then, Wednesday night, it hit me – I do not feel as happy raiding as I used to. I partially dread it, because I feel under-prepared since my only time on Ireenia is IN raid. I have tried to do some research on improving my performance on my Monk, but my heart does not feel in it. And the idea that I am not performing to my own standards or that I might be a disappointment to the raid is unbearable.
In fact, on and off for some time now, I have been debating and flippantly writing a piece about Effy, called “Outside Looking In,” explaining how detached I feel from WoW most days. It is proving near-impossible for me to write. Too painful. I do not want to admit that I want to quit, that I am a failure as a raider, that one of the balls is going to drop.
But I did finally admit it (before here and now). I have expressed my desire to step down as a raider.
I have not made any decision to cancel my accounts yet, but I also do not see me having more time to play than I do now. Though, honestly, I am not sure how interested in Warlords of Draenor I am. The biggest thing I am looking forward to is new stories and storylines – but is that really a reason to keep my accounts going? I am not sure yet. I know that I am thoroughly disappointed with the idea of “dumbing down” the game more. The item squish is fine, but there was a dumbing down of talents and skills and stats between Wrath and Cataclysm, then again between Cataclysm and Mists of Pandaria, and now again going into Warlords of Draenor. Soon, WoW will be playable on a console controller because we only have 5 buttons, and armor will be like in the first Guild Wars – meaningless as far as stats and only there for looks. /mini-rant
So, since I fail at love and WoW, I am throwing myself deeper into my other interests – school, work, and writing.
I am going to school full time right now and focusing heavily on working towards my Technical Communications degree, while minoring in Web Design. All my subjects are proving to be heavy doses of learning, despite the fact that I expected many to be just a polishing of my current knowledge. But despite how much work it is, I am enjoying it, I am learning a lot, and I feel like I am moving in directions I want to go.
I am likely taking the summer semester off, but it will translate into more hours at work – summer is our busy season. I might look into some online classes at Washtenaw, or some other sources of learning to broaden my writing horizons. But come fall, I imagine my schedule will become more raid-unfriendly again. This is part – but only part – of my reasoning. It also has a lot to do with keeping my focus on learning and homework. So many nights, I find myself stressed out that we have a raid and that this takes precedence over homework and sleep. No more.
I am taking on more and new responsibilities at work. On top of my admin and customer service responsibilities, I am becoming more involved with our websites. Additionally, I am becoming more involved with our social media channels and advertising. The social media has been spilling over into my evening free-time as well, in research and implementation.
More about that part later, though. I have a whole other post for that.
No worries about the blog. It is not going anywhere. I am not going anywhere. I still plan to write, but it will likely be less WoW stuff. I have plans to continue – and eventually finish – the Descending Twilight series. I also have plans for a serial novel that will start on my blog soon™. I have hopes for posting new story pieces that are not solely fan-fiction. It is past due time that I started focusing on my original work. I have the ideas, I just need the time.
I am working on a simple, brief email study course about writing better characters. This, and I am setting aside a half hour of writing time every morning – the same time, everyday, a little bit earlier then when I usually get up.
Because the only way I am going to write more is by writing more.
And if there is one thing I have discovered – I am far more inspired to write when I am single and blah. So I might as well take advantage, eh?